Harnessed
by akblake
Summary: Pure, unadulterated, and unrepentant crack! How does a wizard deal with thirteen stubborn, uncooperative dwarves who refuse to listen to him, and who get into trouble the moment that his back is turned? With child harnesses and leashes, that's how!


A/N: My best friend and dearest enabler, Sabrina, sparked this bit of insanity last night. We were emailing and it came about, and then she *had* to say "You have to write this"... well, good or not, I wrote it! Has not been proofed, has only been quickly jotted down and then posted. But then, it's crack and crack shouldn't be a masterpiece lol. She's promised to do a bit of artwork for this, so stay tuned- when she has the drawing(s) done, I'll add them in on the AO3 copy (hoping for pouting!Thorin!) :)

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Gandalf shook his head with frustration as he watched Dwarves free themselves from burlap bags and off of the cooking spit. Trolls, of all the things! He couldn't turn his back for a few hours and trust them to remain out of trouble! But, he'd heard that the parents of Men had the same problem with their own offspring, and he'd come prepared for dealing with the childishness of Dwarves. Gandalf worked quickly to freeze the company in place and then set to work. A tangle of buckles and leather fell out of his pack and he wracked his brain over how it was all supposed to fit together. Perhaps it twisted this way? Or did this one buckle through there instead…

...,,,...

"What is the meaning of this… this contraption?!" Thorin bellowed as he twisted and frantically scrabbled at the straps once freed from the Wizard's spell. No matter how he worked his fingers under them, he couldn't get a decent enough grip on the leather straps to snap them off of his body. And, horror of all horrors, he couldn't seem to break the thin tether leashing him to the Wizard either. Thorin stopped short of throwing himself on the ground in a bid for freedom- Fíli and Kíli had taken that route and had only ended up sweaty and filthy for their efforts as well as tangled in their tethers as they'd rolled.

Dwalin appeared to be furious beyond words, if one could judge by the dark purple flush to his face, and he simply stood woodenly with arms held out to the side away from the offensive bits of leather. Balin bore his with grace which could only come from both age and close contact with Fíli, Kíli, and Thorin when they were dwarflings- he simply stood back and laughed at the panicked flailing of those younger.

Bofur pressed against Bombur to comfort his brother. The large Dwarf sat on the ground looking rather bewildered by the swift change in events. Neither appeared to be terribly distressed, simply shocked. Bifur, on the other hand, didn't seem to notice his new accessory at all and stood with his head tipped curiously as he watched the others.

Dori was ignoring his own indignity in favor of making sure that Ori's harness fit well and wouldn't chafe, much to the younger Dwarf's annoyance. He'd already asked Gandalf about finding a set for his own use, as it would make keeping an eye on his inquisitive youngest brother much easier. Ori had, in an uncharacteristic showing of spine, dumped Dori onto his rump in the dirt upon hearing the request. Nori simply watched it all with hooded eyes while he examined his harness for weaknesses. The clever Wizard had somehow proofed the leather against their weapons, as he already found out when he tried to slip a thin blade through to part the bindings, but he wasn't about to give up.

Glóin was examining his harness speculatively, and had asked Gandalf if they came in a smaller size, as his own wee Gimli was a right terror to keep track of, and he'd love to put a tether on him if only the lad couldn't chew out of it. Óin cast his eyes skyward and appeared thankful that he couldn't hear the din. They weren't being killed, weren't even bleeding, and so he didn't need to care. Yes the harness pulled, and yes it was humiliating, but what could one do other than gather one's dignity and tolerate it when a Wizard decided to put a pack of Dwarves into child harnesses and leashes?

...,,,...

"And why doesn't _he_ have to wear one too?" Thorin demanded, truly _whined_ given the climb in his tone of voice, for the third time in a span of breaths. Fíli groaned and 'accidentally' stumbled into his uncle in retaliation, making Thorin misstep and abruptly come up short against his tether. They would have started a small shoving war had Balin not pushed in between them to separate the two. Thorin grumbled to himself and went back to plodding along.

Gandalf sighed behind them, where he walked with their tethers held in hand and a grinning Bilbo at his side. "As I've said, Mister Baggins need not wear a harness as he's neither stubborn nor does he seek out trouble. Hobbits are truly quite intelligent creatures and listen to the council of those who are far more wise than they," he chided. Bilbo simply kept the grin on his face as he watched thirteen Dwarves humbled by child restraints.


End file.
